You’re sitting at gate 6 of the domestic Sydney airport, waiting for the time to tick by so you can finally go home. You’re tapping your foot away as if you have the noise of the little hand of the clock ticking away in your head. You look up from your fb newsfeed after watching a hilarious compilation of vines, and bam! Right in front of you is a woman who, in a way unbeknownst to you, is making out with a rice paper roll!
It’s gross. The image freaks you out. But you’re entranced by the image, unable to look away! Cringing at the image, you frantically message one of your gal pal’s of what you’re enduring. Because hey, better to experience this with a friend than by yourself, right?!
As you type, you do the shifty “look up from your phone casually as if you need a second to compose yourself from the aggressive typing” to check-in on the rice paper roll kiss-fest. It’s necessary! You must provide your friend with a live update…it’s your duty!
The woman has finished sucking the life of the rice paper roll and has decided to do the same with the fish package. You know what I’m talking about, that teeny weeny fish shaped package a sushi place gives you that’s filled with soy sauce? Those ones that you end up accumulating at home and hoard, for some bloody weird reason, in the fridge… Ahh damn, I’ve digressed, sorry! Anyways, now this woman is sucking the soy sauce out of the fish package – she must be hungry. You go girl! But please for the love of God, stop making those f@&%ing make out noises! I hate seeing actual couples make out, let alone you with your blasted rice paper roll!
Phewwwww she finally finishes! You send a hi 5 emoji to your friend because you think it’s the end. But ohhh ho no, how completely wrong you are. Now she’s cleaning every crevice of her mouth with her tongue while making audible click-like noises. Dolphins can hear her from Botany Bay, they’re screeching back – they think it’s their queen.
Then with utter disgust, she sticks her finger in to pull out a piece of food and licks her entire finger!!!…her ENTIRE FINGER! You are staring, unassumingly staring. You don’t care if she catches you staring because this woman has no care in the world if people see her eat like an animal. You low key are jealous that she’s so confident in herself to not care what people think. Then your sense of disgust begins to change into admiration. You go glen coco!
She finishes. You thank the food gods and the Dolphins at Botany Bay, and go back to scrolling through your fb news feed, until….you hear some rustling, you look up and you see her pull out a sushi roll, only to repeat the whole process all over again [insert 5 x crying emojis]. Only once it’s officially over do you realise your headphones have been sitting in your lap this whole time, and this traumatic event could have avoided altogether! Why must one suffer from [insert word for that brain disorder where you hate the noise of people making noise while eating]!
Happy holidays kids! Tis the season, which means many of you will be traveling locally, interstate and international. Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Merry Kwanzaa and a very Happy New Year!
Safe travels and as always,
– Superstitiously yours x
p.s. Drink responsibly kids! Don’t do what we do and drink wine on a plane in an effort to stay warm because you don’t want to wear a jacket that ruins your chic-cool-kid outfit. Because we can assure you, landing feels a hella more bumpy than usual!